The Shield

October 27, 2016

I wrote this post last week and have been REALLY hesitant to share it, but after contemplating it, the benefits of the sharing outweigh the backlash of potential judgment.  I feel like if you can relate to my situation as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend or acquaintance then you too can heal something inside yourself.

Situations, comments, or actions that “get your goat,” are the most amazing opportunities for healing because what’s getting your goat is something that’s also inside of you.  Whatever is happening around you is a reflection of you (your energy).  So, if something really gets you fired up about someone else, take a look at what part of yourself is exactly the same.

So without further ado, my attempt at helping you heal something in you.  Although, I might just get your goat!

The way things have been going the last few days, I started referring to one of my daughters as an asshole

To her face?

Of course not, but pretty darn close.  I was completely stumped by her behavior and extremely concerned at the same time.  In those moments, things were brutal, sad, and hopeless.  This was accompanied by my inability to breathe and lots and lots of tears.

And then, my saving grace……….meditation!

Meditation that brought clarity, pictures, insights, and truth.  The hardest part was sitting down, getting quiet, and being willing to see.  Then it was oh so fun, humbling, and seamlessly freeing for my mind, body, and spirit.

I discovered, with the guidance of my meditation coach, what I already knew on some level, but didn’t want to admit…….

I’m the asshole. 

I’m the asshole. 

I’m the asshole.

Excuse me while I try to choke that down. 

I’m the asshole and my daughter is taking my lead because that’s what she has been shown at times.  She has learned and established that it works.   The same way this pattern has been working for me.

Here’s how it’s been working for me………I’m giving this pattern a name:  ‘My asshole shield’ pattern.  This way, it’s got a name and I can totally call myself on it the next time it appears.

Here’s what happens…….

When I get sad, I get really uncomfortable.  Why?  Because I have a limiting belief that sadness correlates with weakness.  I don’t want to appear weak.  I don’t want to let people walk all over me.  I don’t want to get taken advantage of.  This, though, is not my truth, but an effective fear that I learned along the way.  Now, I want to unlearn this fear and reorganize so that I can have permission to feel sad and just be sad.

Because sadness is SO uncomfortable for me, I’ve used “my asshole shield” as a strategy to mask it.  This shield surrounds me like a cylinder or a circular curtain.  It protects me from my sadness, vulnerability, and that idea of being weak – which I’ve now established is NOT TRUE!


My asshole shield protects me from those things, but it also makes me an asshole.  I show up with very little compassion, low level patience, and covered up kindness.

So, what I saw in meditation is that when I choose something different my asshole shield crumples to the ground.  When I choose to operate from a place of love, I instantly feel compassion and retrieve my patience and kindness.  The struggle ends, cooperation ensues, things heal and fall back into their flow.

I have so much gratitude to my daughter for being a mirror of opportunity for observation, reflection and healing.

In sharing this, it helps me bring it all the way to the surface, exposes the shame giving it nowhere to hide, and clears it!

For me, it’s remembering to operate from my heart, from this place of love when situations get my goat!  Because in any conflict, love heals all.

LOVE – That is all we are.

I hope this serves you in your relationships.   Most importantly, the relationship you have with yourself.

In Health and Healing, Love and Gratitude,






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